The United States’ unique history has led us all the way to this point- a miserable 2017. Protests, protests of protests, Facebook outrage, and people just not liking each other that much in general. I come bearing good news, though. The blame of this political climate should not fall on anyone’s shoulders. Anyone living, that is. It was the people before us that fucked this all up. Not us. If you’re really looking to get mad, go to a graveyard.
Everyone is frustrated about something in 2017. A lot of people have a pretty strong case for their anger too. Some people eh, not so much. But the worst thing by far is not having anything to be mad about. That sucks. You just feel like an asshole not even having the slightest thing to be angry at. This is where I was at- White (as shit), heterosexual, and male. The goddamn trifecta of privilege. What can I complain about? I’m not going to complain about other people complaining. That’s not as fun. I thought I was doomed, but recently I realized that I am not.
My head is fucking huge. I have long hair (later edit: I cut it), which helps, but when I’m an older man and have a bald head, my life is basically over. One of my best friends was forced to shave his head due to chemotherapy and all my friends shaved their heads to support him. I couldn’t because of my head. My fear was that I’d look like an alien. Otherworldly. Extra terrestrial. So basically my seven best friends shaved their heads and I didn’t. Boy, did I look like an asshole on social media. When I told my mom I was thinking about shaving my head she said, “Oh honey, no. Absolutely not.” It was one of those brutally blunt and honest things from my mom that I just knew I couldn’t go against.
That made for this great picture above. Eight dedicated friends and family members and then the asshole hippy (me) in the front. I look at that picture and think, What a loser in the front, even though I know it’s me who I am looking at. Anyone reading this is probably thinking the same thing, but cut me some slack. The last time I shaved my head was in eighth grade. Here’s how that went.
Looks like a continent. Eighth wonder of the world. So easy to make fun of, too. But I can’t change it. I was born with this thing. The doctor thought I had hydrocephalus.
Hydrocephalus: a condition in which fluid accumulates in the brain, typically in young children, enlarging the head and sometimes causing brain damage.
Nope, just a huge head. My grandma admitted later to my mother that she was worried throughout my childhood because my head was always resting on my shoulder and I couldn’t support the weight of my head with just my neck. When I was younger, a babysitter of mine set me up on a morning segment with the sports guy at the WGN news network. It ended up being pretty successful and funny. I didn’t mess up too bad on air. The segment starts at about 25:30.
The guy’s name is Pat Tomasulo. Great, funny guy. I was impressed with him and I thought he was impressed with me. Then I saw a blog of his afterwards with him basically just chuckling to himself writing about how big my head was.
I get heat all of the time. What I am getting at is, TADA! I finally found it. I finally found my thing that I can complain about. I am literally insulted about my head every day. It’s just like skin color. I can’t change it, what am I supposed to do? It runs in my family. I’m tired of it. Calling all members of the big head club, let’s unite! In order to join the big head club, you need to match the following requirements:
Those “one size fits all” labels are the definition of LHP (Little head privilege.) If it says “one size fits all” on it, it better fucking fit. Because last time I checked I am a person too. You’re isolating me from the general population. You are deeming me not fit to be considered apart of “all.” The “one size fits all” hoax forced me to buy my own baseball helmet every year. I couldn’t use the regular team ones. If someone took my helmet when I was about to hit and they were still on base I was screwed. When you say “One size fits all” this is basically what you’re doing.
Exact same idea. And I am sick of it. You should be too. Stop LHP and stop alienating larger headed people. Make “One size fits all” fit. Let’s see if good ole DJT is as GREAT as he says he is.
Sign the petition: www.change.org/p/donald-trump-stop-little-head-privilege-make-one-size-fits-all-fit
P.S. If you weren’t shooting in the gym (see: Drake verse- Stay Schemin') with the others who have been making fun of my cranium for years, don’t you dare start now. Only then will your lack of creative humor as a human become completely transparent, and we don't want that.